This is my therapy session for the day. You may or may not find this interesting but it needed to be written down.
I am heading on being a week over due with this baby. I never thought that would happen to me. I just figured I would be early or at least around the date by a few days because that is how my sister and my mom were. I will never make that mistake again. Everyday of being late has felt like a week. They also had really easy births. My sister often jokes that she would be surrogate becuase she loves being pregnant and pushing out a baby is no prob for her. My mom's doctor had her induced with Eric and I becuase he was afraid she wouldn't make it to the hospital on time-babies just slip right out of her. I have been blessed (well, in this case blessed) with the same hips. So far, my pregnancy has been pretty simple and I am super grateful for that.
Now comes the unknown....and it is a little frightening. I find myself randomly crying at just the thought of giving birth. I swear I wasn't like this before. Increased hormones maybe? I think it is mostly due to the fact that everything I planned for and wanted has been tossed out the window and I am left to completely rely on doctors.
I have watched way too many midwife documentaries to feel good about that.
If I had my ideal birth it would be in a birthing center, in the water, using Hypnobabies to help get through drug-free. You didn't know I was such a hippie did you? The birthing center here won't take insurance so that went out the window. We found a good practice here and I have really liked the hospital too-they have a lot of Doulas and seem to try to accomodate all your birthing "hopes and dreams". I felt good and comfortable about that until I started to go over my due date...
Immediately the doctors start all these non-stress tests and talking induction and how your body can't sustain a healthy baby much longer. They make it sound like your body does great until one day-boom! everything shuts down and everyone involved is going to die. Not to mention that the doctor that was there was the ONE doctor in this practice that is completely heartless and did not help calm my fears at all! She just reiterated everything that could go wrong-thank you so much doc!
So they have scheduled me for an induction on Monday. I started to cry in the doctor's office-like not just tears-full sobbing. The heartless doctor looked at me like I was nuts! I couldn't handle the thought of not doing things on my terms. I know this is strange thinking but when I think induction-I think the following: Induction=more pain than normal=epidural=not knowing when to push=pushing too long=c-section=c-sections for all the subsequent births. Short version: induction=c-sections for the rest of my life. Is this unrealistic? Ummm....kinda. When you get an induction your chances of a c-section go up significantly BUT when you are 41+ weeks-the rate of induction and then c-section isn't AS bad...but the odds are still increased. I don't need anyone cutting into my stomach-I have a hard enough time getting a flat stomach. It frightens me to my core-hence my random tearing up when I thought about it while watching the Hunger Games. I know a lot of people who have had inductions and they were just fine. There are some people that actually really like them a lot more than spontaneous births-so why am I freaking out so much??
Everything I wanted to happen isn't going to happen. Everything I thought I knew has turned to the unknown. Everything I planned for and imagined like the excitement of calling Mike to come home from work so we could go to the hospital-gone.
I know the baby will be healthy. That is all that should matter-but having a good experience matters to me too or else.... I am adopting.
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